by SEBASTIEN BRAXTON
In my experience, it seems as if some of the clearest insights into human experience come in the midst of a discussion.
For example: the STRIDE house in Boston is not completely inhabited by missionaries but also visiting scholars and families of such. Recently, I met a couple who traveled from France to visit their daughter at MIT. As we discussed their experiences raising their daughter, some insights flashed into my mind. I began to remark on how difficult it is for parents to let go of their children.
A child can never “out-love” the parent. In the rare case that it does happen, it is unnatural and against nature. The parent loves the child even when the child does not love the parent. The parent planned for the child’s birth and molds his or her entire existence around the needs of the child. In fact, the child must be loved first before the child will love back. I heard it said once that a child will die if it is not touched by its parent and shown love and affection physically.
As a result of the parent’s investment of love in the child, the parent may be tempted to feel as if the child owes the parent love. Our mothers will say things like, “I changed your dirty diapers!” or “I would get up all hours of the night to rock you back to sleep!” and so on. These instances often arise when the parent feels as if the child is being ungrateful in return for the parent’s efforts. However, could it be that there must be a subtle shift in the parent’s thinking?
We all know that in order for love to have any meaning, it must be given of the individual’s free will. (We can infer this based upon rewards for loving God and punishments for not loving God — see Romans 8:28; 1 Cor 2:9; James 1:12; Matt 22:34-40.) Thus, love requires a choice. In fact, love is a choice. This truth impacts parenting in a fundamental way. Parents want their children to obey out of love. This means that the child must obey (1) of his/her own free will and (2) with the motivation of love of God and man. When parents struggle to “let go” of their children they are doing so to the detriment of the child, since forced obedience infers forced love, which is not love at all.
I think of me and my sister Paris. My sister was often the child who followed all the rules and commands of our parents with few exceptions. I was the child who often veered off on my own thinking. Thus, I was punished more often. My love was questioned more often as well. However, when I think back on my childhood, I realize that my sister followed the rules out of precautionary “self-love,” not love to our parents. She just didn’t want to catch a beat down or be locked in her room, as I frequently was. Yet my parents would frequently point to my sister’s behavior as the “behavior of love.” Now, it is true that hurting your parents is a strong motivation to stop an activity, but it is also true that loving choices sometimes hurt too.
I am not suggesting that parents remove boundaries, rules, and codes or proper behavior and manners, but simply consider that love, manifested as obedience, from the child must come of the child’s choice. A child doesn’t “have to” love the parent because he or she is the parent. Unconditional love by definition is a love that is given regardless of condition, relationship, or circumstance. Whether you love me back or not, whether you do the things I like or not, whether you live the life I wanted for you or not, I still love you. I love you because I choose to do so. But when parents tell a child that you HAVE to love me because of what I did for you, then the parent is saying that his or her sacrifices and decisions must be repaid with obedience, not that they were committed simply out of love.
Think of it in terms of God. God gives all humanity life. They are His children in verity. He clothes them, feeds them, shelters them and keeps them in their right minds. He protects them from unseen forces and showers them with blessings. Yet, He never forces us to love Him. He, who has given the most any “parent” could give and possesses the power to violate our wills, chooses not to, even when we hurt Him. God woos us, He compels us, He blesses us, He loves us. All this He does even when we do not want Him in our lives.
Through the divine example, we can see that the role of a parent after the child reaches an age of cognizance is to win that child over with love. To woo that child with kindness. This is revealing the character of God to the child and ultimately strives to win the child to Christ. However, when parents seek to guilt trip their children with what they have done for the child in the past, the subtle motivation for the child’s obedience is, “I owe this love and obedience to my mom.”
The parent’s message to the child should always be, “I love you more than anything I hate. There is no line you can cross that would make me stop loving you. ” It is this kind of love that children crave, yea, that all of humanity craves. A lack thereof will lead to the child’s skewed view of the character of God and thus an inability to comprehend unconditional love. I believe this is the basis as to why we do not trust God always. Much of life is made up of clearing up our picture of God. As it gets clearer, our trust gets stronger.
But if our homes can become havens of love in which our children sense a constant security in their earthly parent’s love, it will be easy for them to find repose in their Heavenly Father’s love. The principle has long been held in Christianity—to keep is to lose and to lose is to keep. May we learn from the mistake of those parents who can’t let go, because God does.
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Thanks, Sebastien. All threats of beat-downs aside, we *should* be obedient and honorable to our parents – both the earthly and heavenly ones – and yet without love, as Paul says, our obedience is hollow, and the relationship that reflects God’s most perfect love is never realized.
This piece also was a sound reminder to me as a parent to stand strong against the world’s crude facsimiles of God’s love. Ellen G. White, great and wise writer that she was, exhorted parents to avoid the Santa Claus phenomenon. I think this is a matter of personal choice, of course, but it gives me pause. Why would I teach my child to look forward to the coming of a man whose gifts are given according to deeds; why would I compel my child to serve someone that does not give freely and whose love is not year-round?
Thanks, again for this article, Sebastien. It was well-organized, clear, and exactly the kind of thing our church can be proud to produce as spiritual food for Christians with busy lives in a busy world.